The wild and wonderful english language
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the row of oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in
hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in
England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers
don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of
all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what
does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at
a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an
alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflec ts the creativity of the
human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out,
they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word,
and that is 'UP.'
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we
awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do
we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm
UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the
old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one
thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a
store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th
of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try
building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if
you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we
say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.........it is time
to shut UP!
Oh . . . one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
I am very shy, and not much fun at parties. The other evening
my friend told me to "let my inhibitions run wild" So I did.
I spent the night curled up in a little ball in the corner
whimpering. Did I do the right thing?
If you set someones heart afire.... is that the same thing
as giving them heartburn?
Is it good that my work is second to none (using none as a reference point)
My boss says he could use 4 more workers like me (at my rate)
If Nothing can stop me now am I easily stopped
why chop down a tree, then chop it up ??????
Why are apartments so close together
Why is a building when finished not called a built
is'nt a near miss is a hit
do you really want to save like you never saved before (loose all your money)
Why do people own hot water heaters?
How can people hang a phone UP?
What is a Jumbo Shrimp?
What is plastic silverware made of
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the key pad of the drive-up ATM?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through bank
machines?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the
Special Olympics?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do we call something sent by car a shipment and something sent by
ship a cargo?
Why do we call them restrooms when no one goes there to rest?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters when hot water doesn't need to be
heated?
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is
wrong?
Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?
Why do we say "a pair of pants" when there is only one article of
clothing involved?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already
there?
Why do wise guy and wise man mean entirely different things?
Why do you feet smell and your nose runs?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape?
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Why don’t they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"
Why don’t they just make food stamps edible?
Why don’t you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who drives
a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
Why is clear considered a color?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks
when the
gun is thrown at him?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles?
Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
lights off?
10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?
18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
23. Is there another word for synonym?
26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
29. Why do they report power outages on TV?
Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have
a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,
perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a
play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive
on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and
oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?
Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into
someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where
are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY
hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch,
I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
From: MarshHawk@aol.com <MarshHawk@aol.com>
To: PLLAND@aol.com <PLLAND@aol.com>; JohnpK5560@aol.com <JohnpK5560@aol.com>
Subject: I like this one :-)
Date: Tuesday, January 12, 1999 9:29 AM
1. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
3. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
4. If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?
5. If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?
6. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing
night gowns?
7. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
8. Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what
they already know we don't have any of?
9. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two
cents in, what happens to the other penny?
10.Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
11.Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin with.
12.When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
13.If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get
a Phillip's Screwdriver?
14.Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
15.Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
16.Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver or purple?
17.Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project,
I end it?
18.Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
19.Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?
20.Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
21.Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
22.Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
23.If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
24.Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
25."I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
26.Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?
27.If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be
called a Portugoose?
28.Why is a procrastinator's work never done?
29.If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
30.Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
31.Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall
has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
32.Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because
it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
33.If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
34.If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
called "Holes?"
35.If careless means without care, why doesn't wreckless mean without
wreck?
oxymorons
35. State worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline Food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Butt Head
19. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
And the number one top Oxymoron....
1. Microsoft Works
FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILES .
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism,
it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show
you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted
in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint
mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a
small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought
she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de
feet.
And might I add...
It is better to have loved a short woman than never to have
loved a tall.